Awake but Asleep -Anxiety

 

When I began blogging, it wasn’t the first time the idea of blogging came to mind. For years, I had a desire in my heart to connect with others by blogging but every time I began typing content, anxiety tightened its grip on me.

Can you relate to this? Hi, I’m Ann and I am here to tell you that you are not alone. Ever since I could remember, I have suffered from anxiety but it wasn’t until I became an adult and after my divorce that I realized it. Yuck. Divorce. That’s a whole other topic that used to bring me so much anxiety. (For the sake of protecting my ex’s and my privacy and dignity, I will not delve into the details but divorce is ugly. Plain and simple. If you’re a follower of Jesus like me, it can get even uglier in our heads. I can hear the whispers now, “Oh, blasphemousΒ one! I shan’t read this post!” And that was just my head speaking!) But hey, sometimes, it has to get real ugly before God can create the most beautiful life out of us. Most of all, we are fortunate enough (that’s an understatement) to have a forgiving God who forgives and loves us fiercely.

Before we started Filled Cup, I knew I wanted to tackle anxiety. If not to help others, mostly to help me. I have a crazy in my head. Yep, I said it. I have a crazy in my head that’s goal is to tear me apart so badly that I can’t continue forward. It fights with me when I have inspirational ideas. It fights with me when I’m looking into my daughter’s big and beautiful brown eyes. It tears me apart when I’m in my husband’s arms and feeling safe. There’s a monster that eats at me when it’s late at night and no one is awake and tells me, “Remember everything you did wrong today.” It whispers, “Why did you just say that?” when I’m socializing with people or “You’re a selfish mother,” when I take time for myself. When my husband tells me I’m enough, anxiety says, “He’s just saying that to shut you up.” When God says I am forgiven, anxiety yells, “Your past is never erased.” Anxiety is ugly.

When productivity is at its peak, anxiety waits for me

When productivity is at its peak, anxiety waits for me; ready to tear me down. Anxiety makes me afraid to fall asleep at night and afraid to wake up to reality. Anxiety doesn’t want me to type this out right now because it doesn’t feel safe when it’s exposed.

Anxiety gets ugly but not as ugly as a life without forgiveness and unconditional love. In moments of anxiety is when I realize I can’t do it all myself. In this segment of Filled Cup, I am going to tackle anxiety and hopefully connect with many others who suffer from it. Join me every Wednesday as I tackle an aspect of anxiety.

 

 

With so much love,
Ann.

 

 

 

If you aren’t already, please follow me on Instagram to engage in my Anxiety Roll Call every Monday and Wednesday. Let’s tackle anxiety together.